Monday, April 16, 2018

PERSONAL SPECIAL.... HOW TO APOLOGISE THE RIGHT WAY


HOW TO APOLOGISE THE RIGHT WAY

Does sorry seem like the hardest word in the world? Here’s how to say it like you mean it

Recently, when Australian cricketer Steve Smith publicly apologised in a televised press conference over ball tampering in a test match against South Africa, his tearful gesture won him sympathy from fans around the world. Closer home, Delhi chief minister Arvind Kejriwal’s written apology to union minister Arun Jaitley and others earned the AAP leader clemency from the Delhi High Court as well as public ridicule. So how does one apologise without making matters worse? A panel of experts explains the subtle ways in which your tone, words, actions and body language can play a role.

Recognise your mistake
Dr Janki Santoke, a senior disciple of Swami Parthasarathy and a scholar of Vedanta, shares, “In an urban legend, Chicago gangster Al Capone, who was arrested for shooting a cop, defended himself by claiming he couldn’t hurt a fly. He was in such denial that from his own perspective, he believed he was a good, kind-hearted man who was incapable of hurting anyone.” Santoke drives home the point that recognising your mistakes is the first crucial step to apologising, for one can’t say sorry when one is unable to see that they are in the wrong. “In fact, ‘I was wrong’ is one of the most difficult things for a human being to say,” notes Santoke. It takes a certain intellect and maturity to recognise and admit one’s mistakes.
In some cases, a person’s guilt and shame might come in the way of offering an apology. “If one is feeling ashamed about a certain situation, it might become difficult to move beyond the guilt and shame, or admit that they’ve made a mistake,” says counsellor Janki Mehta. “So, how you deal with your own shame is important. Realise that you’re not the mistake, your specific behaviours might be and that there is a way to fix them. This is crucial to opening a gateway to communication.”
Dr Sangeetha Rajan, occupational psychologist and people development professional, agrees with Mehta. She adds, “Taking responsibility for your behaviour is the best way to maintain both personal or professional relationships.” How you word your apology can be a strong indicator of this. “Take ownership of what went wrong. Sorry is a loaded word, but what you follow it up with matters just as much. If you say, ‘I’m sorry I messed up’ rather than ‘It got messed up’ it indicates you’re willing to take onus of your behaviour and are not distancing yourself from it. Using statements like ‘It won’t happen again’ ensures that people know you mean your apology. It makes it more powerful,” Rajan shares.
Offer to better the situation
If accepting your mistake is the first step, the need to better the situation comes a close second. An apology is made more meaningful with the offer of bettering the situation. “If someone has lost money because of you, make up for the loss. If they’ve lost their reputation because of something you’ve done, think of ways you can make up for it,” says Santoke. Without this, an apology is totally pointless. Offering options or solutions to fix the situation are a good way to follow up your apology and shows that you’ve given it some thought. “Remember, your actions have to match your words. You must not make this mistake again. Otherwise, you could end up losing credibility,” warns Rajan.

Do not offer justification
Nine out of 10 times, people apologise and follow it up with words like ‘but’, ‘if’, or ‘however’. “This is an explanation, not an apology,” says Santoke. An ideal apology can merely state that you were wrong, and do not follow it up with any justification. Besides, it is important to communicate the apology properly. “If you’re going to say ‘I’m sorry if you’re hurt’, that negates the message you’re trying to give. The apology is meaningless in such a case. Instead, use words that indicate you understand that someone has been affected or hurt by your behaviour, words or actions,” says Mehta.
Avoid hyperbole, adds Rajan. “I’ve found that when people say ‘really’ many times over, or they say they’re ‘so, so, so sorry’, alarm bells go off in the other person’s mind. The apology tends to lose sincerity,” she says. “But in many cases, the mental attitude is more important than the words you use for this will affect your tone of voice. Communicate to the other person when you’re keen on ensuring that the best for your relationship prevails, your apology will show that there’s heart behind it,” says Santoke. However, every person processes information differently, warns Mehta. While one person may be affected by the tone of voice, another might pay greater attention to the words that were used. This could also lead to a miscommunication and a failure of the apology.

Use your judgment
Is an apology always the best solution? You may have done something wrong and the other person does not know the truth. Blurting out the truth might make the situation worse and only sever a relationship. Santoke offers the example of a married man or woman having an affair without the spouse finding out. “In such a case, one could do whatever they feel — in their good judgment — is best for the relationship. But the truth might cause great damage to the other person, it may not be worth the guilt,” says Santoke. In such a case, she recommends identifying that you are wrong, bettering the situation and making up for your mistakes.
Likewise, “in a work environment, if you make an abject apology, it might suggest you’re undermining your own credibility,” points out Rajan.
Another problem could be when people believe the other needs to share the same values as them. For instance, some might be offended by bad language. But if the assumed wrong-doer doesn’t agree that they’ve committed a mistake, one cannot force an apology out of them. “One must understand each other’s benchmarks and find ways to protect oneself from the other’s madness. We need not fault others, but we must ensure that others’ behaviours do not impinge our life,” says Santoke.

Gestures matter
The apology needs to be sincere, so you mustn’t come off as dominating, but you do need the other person to hear you out. “Maintain a balance between showing deference and power. Don’t come too close to a person’s face. Make sure you both have a sense of personal space. Maintain distance, keeping maybe a desk or a chair between you. Show respect, don’t stand too tall. Your hand gestures must remain contained,” says Rajan. Remember, eye contact is important. When you feel terrible about yourself, you tend to shy away from making eye contact, but this non-threatening contact is necessary to establish trust and openness.

| Moeena Halim
MM 7APR18

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