GO DUTCH!
That their parents split the
parental workload is just one of the reasons Dutch kids consistently top global
well-being surveys. Here's what else the Dutch are doing right
Think of the Netherlands
and you envision fields of tulips, chocolate-box houses, spinning windmills and
scenic cycling routes. It's easy to insert a bunch of happy kids into this
image. But, that Dutch kids consistently top global well-being surveys has to
do with more than their physical environment and government policies (though
those things do help -the Dutch government devotes a lot of attention to the
well-being of children. For example, their `Child Friendly Cities Network'
programme encourages cities to compete against each other to come up with
initiatives that promote the rights and interests of children, such as, for
instance, the reservation of three per cent of residential land for children's
play areas). But, a lot of it has to do with parenting. So, what are the Dutch
doing right? Rina Mae Acosta and Michele Hutchison, two mothers raising their
kids in Amsterdam, share their observations in the soon-tobe-released book, The
Happiest Kids in the World: How Dutch Parents Help Their Kids (and Themselves)
by Doing Less. An article on Acosta's website, findingdutchland.com lists a few
points. Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Pervin Dadachanji examines these in the
context of Indian cultural mores.
Happy homes
“This is a no-brainer,“
says Dadachanji, “A happy home environment will make for a happy child.
Children look to their parents for interactions which are secure, calm, and
stable. That, in itself, inculcates a sense of security which obviously
translates into happiness.“ But, the challenge is to be happy yourself. The way
the Dutch do it: they work for 29 hours a week on average (but of course, this
is supported by government policy), reserve one day a week to spend time with
their children, and make time for themselves too. You may not be able to shorten
your work day, but dedicating one day to your children (and another to
yourself) every fortnight may be a possibility make that day count and use it
for activities that allow for one-on-one interaction like a game of football or
cricket, or a walk in the park.
Mothers matter
Mothers have a good
work-life balance and women have stronger voices, with complete freedom on
matters of personal choice such as where it concerns their relationships,
religion or sexuality.Post the launch of her book Dutch Women Don't Get
Depressed, Ellen de Bruin, a Dutch psychologist, told The New York Times that
another reason Dutch women are happier is that they don't really pander to
trends or to societal demands. “We don't know how to dress and we are not very
hospitable -if you come round to our house at dinnertime you get sent away,“
said de Bruin, pointing out that women pick their clothes to suit the weather
rather than to flatter their figures.
Dadachanji believes the
work-life balance is integral to happiness.“Indian women are more educated
these days, and when you have these women who could have careers, solely
focusing their attention on the kids and the home, it's bound to cause some
discontent. Women feel robbed of their own identity and a sense of stability,
as when you're not a bread winner, you don't really get your say on matters.“
Besides, says Dadachanji, “For girls, a mother who works is a great role model;
for boys, this environment will teach them to view women differently, and pave
the way for healthier relationships with their own partners when they grow up.
When a boy sees his father suppressing his mother, that's what he will do.“
But, Dadachanji does allow for different power-equations.“The scales aren't
always balanced in relationships, but what kids need to see is that their
mother is respected.“
Down-time is important
“Dutch elementary students
under the age of 10 usually do not have any homework, and are simply encouraged
to enjoy learning. And, there is, for the most part, no formal competitive
university application process,“ writes Acosta. In India, on the other hand, as
Dadachanji, points out, “even if parents are relaxed, the school may be
pressurising the child. In some cases, parents add to academic pressure by
slotting in extra-curricular activities and insisting that a child excel at
these too. Extra-curricular activities are great, but they should be about the
child enjoying the game of tennis or chess etc. It shouldn't turn into a quest
to get your child to compete at the National level, so that their participation
in the activity looks good on university applications as that takes the fun out
of it. What Indian parents must realise is that the curriculum won't change,
but your attitude can.“
Break bread together
“If you have two kids in
the Netherlands and one attends high school and the other a primary school,
both of them would still leave for school at the same time, and work starts at
the same time for grown-ups too -it's just how their society is structured.
Here, it doesn't work that way, so it may be impractical to expect the whole
family to gather at the table for breakfast, but making dinner a family meal
may be more achievable. Aim to have any one meal with the family every day,“
says Dadachanji, pointing out that this is the time when views are exchanged.
“You're actually socialising with each other when you dine together -you'd talk
about how each person spent the day, perhaps plan which member of the family
will use the car at what time the next day (some of the conversation will be
transactional, but that's fine).When you watch TV together, this exchange does
not take place.This way, parents get to know what is happening with the kids
and vice-versa.“
Kids should be seen and heard too
Perhaps one of the most
difficult changes that Indian parents would have to make to come around to the
Dutch way is this: learn to respect a child's opinion and viewpoint. Dutch
parents are strict too, and kids do know who's boss, but children are heard,
and their views respected. “The kids are trusted with chores, and taught to be
responsible from an early age,“ says Dadachanji, “and entrusting them with
responsibility makes kids feel capable and confident. As their cities are safe,
Dutch kids are given a lot of independence from a young age -they can ride
around on bicycles and play outdoors unsupervised. Indian parents may not feel
comfortable allowing their young children out without a nanny, but they can
certainly allow their children to express themselves, instead of always telling
them what they must do -parents must not adopt a `my word is the law; you
cannot question me,' attitude. Allow your child to explain why he does or does
not want to do something -in ten such conversations, surely you'll have had the
occasion to concede the point at least once. Suppressing children will either
turn them into rebels, or, when these children grow up, they won't have the
confidence to make their own decisions.“
Growing up with grandparents
Dutch children spend a lot
of time with their `omas' or grandmothers.“In our culture, we do this too,“
says Dadachanji, explaining that, “it's important for kids to learn to interact
with another significantly important person in their lives. Not only will this
help them develop social skills, it provides an additional outlet, someone they
can discuss things with that they may not want to talk to their parents about.
Besides, kids who interact with senior family members regularly learn to be
more sensitive. As they grow older, the grandparent can also then serve as a
go-between when there's a sharp disagreement between parent and child. The
grandparent is not the primary disciplinarian, so he or she may be able to get
through to the child easier. But, in India, the problem is maintaining boundaries.It's
important for grandparents to stick to the house rules and never override a
parent's authority.“
Dads need to step up
“Papa dag (Daddy day) has
not only become part of the Dutch vocabulary, it's becoming more of a standard
norm as one in three men are also opting for part-time work,“ says Acosta's
article. This too is encouraged by government policy -in 1996, the Netherlands
gave part-time employees the same status as full-time employees, with a view to
creating a balanced worklife for citizens. That fathers play an equal role in
child rearing helps on many levels. “Indian fathers are definitely more
involved nowadays,“ says Dadachanji.“When a child is brought in to see me, I've
noticed that, these days, both parents want to come and talk about issues, not
just the mother, which used to be the case earlier; most fathers make it a
point to attend the first session at the very least. Our society is still not
at the stage where fathers will work parttime, but dads do need to understand
that what they invest in terms of time, will improve their children's future.
This also helps ease the burden on mothers, making them happier and
contributing to a healthier home environment.“
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Anjana
Vaswani
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MM 7FEB17
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