YOUR ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SAYING "NO" TO PEOPLE YOU
CAN’T SAY "NO" TO
DISAPPOINTING
YOUR COWORKERS OR YOUR BOSS OR TURNING DOWN SOCIAL PLANS CAN BE UNCOMFORTABLE
WHEN WE'VE BEEN CONDITIONED TO BE AGREEABLE.
When was the last time you said "no" to someone
you knew? I bet you really have to think about that. I know I did. In the past
week, I’ve said "no" to exactly two people–that’s out of all the
requests from my friends, family, business partner, agent, editors, and clients.
On the other hand, this week I’ve said "yes" over 50 times to those
same people. "Yes" to work requests, "yes" to social
invites, "yes" to requests for help from family and friends.
I say "yes" to everything because I don’t want
to come across as mean, lazy, boring, or uncaring, but it's exhausting. It
leaves me very little time to relax or accomplish personal goals that are
important to me.
My life would be so much easier if I could just say
"no" more often—so why can’t I?
"Saying ‘no’ is not something that comes naturally
to the majority of people," says Susan Newman,
PhD, social psychologist and author of The Book
of NO—250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. "For some, saying ‘yes’ is a habit, frequently an
automatic response; for others, saying ‘yes,’ agreeing to take on whatever is
asked, is an addiction."
Being able to say
"no" is a learned skill, says Newman. Here
are a few basic steps she recommends to get you started:
1. Make a list of
your yeses over the period of a week: If you are an inveterate yes person,
the number will shock you.
2. Pay attention to how you parcel out your time: When your time is well managed, you’ll keep some in reserve for what’s most important to you.
2. Pay attention to how you parcel out your time: When your time is well managed, you’ll keep some in reserve for what’s most important to you.
3. Get your
priorities straight: Who has first crack at you without you feeling
burdened or anxious? Your child? Your significant other? Your boss?
4. Know your
limits: And start to define them if you don’t know what they are. They can
be emotional or physical or both, but there’s a point at which your line is
crossed. To stay healthy, your body and mind require rest to rejuvenate, and if
you don’t set limits, you won’t get it.
5. Give control to
others to ease your responsibilities: When you don’t trust others to be in
charge or to get things accomplished, you wind up agreeing to and doing far
more than your share of what someone else could be doing.
Newman says our lack of ability to say "no"
isn’t some kind of personal flaw we’re born with—saying "no" is a
learned behavior.
"As young children, the word ‘no’ is drummed out of
us," she says. "Most children seek their parents’ love and attention
and come to realize that refusing what a parent asks or wants isn’t the way to
get it. Toddlers, for example, who say ‘no’ often are reprimanded or punished.
In some families, not doing what a parent requests leads to privileges being
taken away that continues into the teen years."
But it doesn’t stop there. Newman says as we continue to
grow, we are rightfully encouraged to be nurturing and caring, and that usually
involves agreeing to help others—or, saying "yes." Combine this with
the social connotation of it being impolite to say "no," and we’re
primed throughout life to avoid the word.
By the time we reach adulthood, it’s no wonder most of us
suffer anxiety at just the thought of saying "no" to someone. This
anxiety, according to Newman, results from the perceived ramifications about
what will happen if we dare to say "no." Will our boss give the best
assignments to a coworker who says "yes" to everything, limiting our
career prospects? Will our friends expel us from the group if we don’t accept every
invite? Will we hurt a sibling’s feelings if we don’t have time to help them?
Will a partner or child think we are self-centered or uncaring if we tell them
"no"?
Ironically, the answer to all the above is almost
certainly a "no."
"The fallout from a ‘no’ is rarely as bad as you
think it will be," says Newman. The sky won’t fall, your family won’t stop
loving you, and your boss won’t fire you—heck, everyone will probably respect
you and your time more if you say "no" more often.
Still sound hard? Here’s how to say no to the people you
think you can’t say no to:
Why you feel you
can’t say no
For many people, this is the scariest person to say
"no" to. After all, your boss controls your workload, paycheck, and
career. "Saying ‘no’ to a superior is tricky because you want to keep in
mind the goals you have set for yourself and the direction you want to
go," says Newman. "If you stretch yourself too thin, you run the risk
of doing a mediocre job and harming your overall performance and reputation. If
you agree, you also run the risk of having your boundaries trampled and feeling
as if you are being taken advantage of."
How to say no.
"This varies with what the boss is asking, but
you can say ‘no’ without actually using the word," says Newman. For
example, if you’re overloaded with work already and your boss asks you to take
on another client or project, say, "I am not sure I can do that and be
attentive to my other clients. Can you take me off job A until this one is
finished?"
"Whatever the boss wants, ask questions about what’s
involved and when the assignment is due to show you care and are trying to be
helpful," says Newman. "See if there is a way you can do part or make
other recommendations that might solve the boss’s needs."
Another way to say "no" to your boss without
saying "no" is by reminding them of your current workload, saying,
"I am flattered that you asked me. Can we discuss what assignments I have
and due dates?"
"This will focus the boss on what you do and
possibly change priorities so you can comfortably assume the new
responsibility," says Newman. "Your body language and tone of voice
will make your refusal more acceptable. If you say ‘no’ without being
defensive, you are more likely to be heard without being penalized."
Why you feel you
can’t say no:
These are the people you work with day in and day out,
and it would be nice to keep some friends at the office. "Most of us want
to be viewed as a team player, supportive of our colleagues and working
together for the good of the organization," says Newman. "We don’t
want to be thought of as someone who is a loner or as someone who doesn’t
contribute or is not considered part of the group."
How to say no.
Be honest, advises Newman. Something as simple as,
"I would like to help, but I am on overload myself," or, "I want
to help you, but xx is waiting for me to complete another assignment" will
often do the trick. Phrasing a "no" this way is straightforward
without being blunt, and chances are your coworker will empathize with you.
After all, who hasn’t been overworked?
Just make sure you actually are overloaded with work and
not saying so only as an excuse. If you aren’t honest with your coworker and
they find out you really had the time to help them, you’ll have burned bridges
with someone who could have helped you when you need it in the future.
Why you feel you
can’t say no
As a freelancer, I’m more familiar with this than I’d
like to be. I’m always afraid to turn down writing jobs, because what if that
editor I said "no" to gets annoyed and they don’t ask me to write for
them in the future?
"We fear losing a client if we don’t bow to every
wish or request, but taking on more than we can comfortably do or do well can
be counterproductive," says Newman.
How to say no:
If you take on more work when you can’t complete it to
your best abilities, there’s more of a chance of your client going elsewhere in
the future for that reason than for the fact that you told them "no."
Besides, five minutes after you’ve told the client "no," they’ve most
likely forgotten about it.
"When we say ‘no,’ the asker is on to the next
person," says Newman. "He or she is not thinking about you as much as
you think-–that is true for coworkers, friends, and family too. If you are good
at what you do or what they want you to do, they will probably ask again the
next time the need arises."
The next time you need to say "no" to a client,
Newman suggests saying, "I am so disappointed that I can’t take on your
project right now. I would be doing you a disservice if I did. I hope you will
consider/ask me again soon."
"By saying words to that effect, you have
demonstrated that you want to work for them, that you have their best interests
at heart and are genuinely enthusiastic about helping," says Newman, who
notes you could instead also ask if a later start or due date is possible to
underscore your enthusiasm for working for this particular client.
Why you feel you
can’t say no.
Whether it’s your coworkers asking you to come out for
drinks or non-work friends asking you to spend your much-needed day off helping
them move, saying "no" to people you genuinely like can make you feel
like you’re a bad person.
"Friends are supportive, shore us up when we are
down, help each other out when a need arises," says Newman. "These
very roles, the very definition of friend, makes saying no extremely
difficult."
How to say no.
The good news, says Newman, is that you should just say
"no" and then forget about it, because your friends will have too.
"In probably 99 out of 100 instances, your ‘no’ is tossed off because the
asker almost immediately focuses on finding someone else. Only you carry the
weight and worry—topped with a couple scoops of guilt."
To move things along, Newman suggests avoiding lengthy
explanations that give the asker room to come back to you or offer alternatives
to the date, time, or commitment. Be brief, and make sure you convey with your
refusal that it is not about them by saying things like, "The timing is
terrible, I’d like to hang out, but it is not possible," or, "I don’t
feel good about lending people my truck. That’s just my policy."
"Saying no to even casual friends and acquaintances
becomes simpler when you think about what’s good for you and stop worrying
about what someone else thinks," says Newman. "Most people have
surprisingly short memories."
Why you feel you
can’t say no.
They are your family. You grew up with these
people, or married them, or raised them.
"Relatives are the people you love most dearly, and
conversely are the ones who infuriate you with their incessant requests,"
says Newman. "For complex reasons that have developed over the years, you
don’t want to disappoint them or be faced with their disdain. To make matters
worse, you may have convinced yourself that you’re supposed to be there for
them, that it’s your job to help solve all their problems and keep the
peace."
What’s even worse is that your family often knows your
weaknesses and knows how to use them to wear you down.
How to say no.
This varies greatly by who in your family is requesting
what, but the key is to be firm and honest. If someone wants your time and you
can’t be there, tell them you can’t be and explain why. Be direct and stand
your ground if they protest.
If someone wants your talent, but you just don’t have the
time to help, a simple, "You can do that as well as I can," works
wonders for both nicely declining their request and boosting their confidence.
You could also add, "I’ll tell you how."
And if someone in your family is requesting a big favor
of you, such as watching their kids, saying, "That’s a responsibility that
makes me nervous," will be enough to put them on track to looking for
someone else.
And if you still have problems saying "no",
realize that doing so often benefits your relationship with your loved ones in
the long run.
"Parents, children and partners present the supreme
challenge in the quest to mark your boundaries and be more of a ‘no’
person," says Newman. "You will begin to resent family members, no
matter what their age or who they are, if you continue to bow to their every
need and want."
BY MICHAEL GROTHAUS
http://www.fastcompany.com/3053996/know-it-all/your-ultimate-guide-to-saying-no-to-people-you-cant-say-no-to?utm_source=mailchimp&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=fast-company-daily-newsletter&position=7&partner=newsletter&campaign_date=12042015
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