5 Skills of Really Amazing Listeners
Most
people like to think what they have to say is important. If you or I make the
effort to share thoughts, feelings, or knowledge, then we want to believe the
intended recipient is listening. But honestly, many people are too distracted
to really take it all in when someone else is doing
the talking.
What's worse is that so many just watch mouths move, waiting for the chance to
chime in.
Great leaders understand the value of active listening and
get the most benefit from what others have to share. They understand that if
you want to be heard and understood, the first step is learning how to listen
yourself. The following are actions shared by those who truly know how to
listen. Integrate them into your conversational behavior and you might be
surprised what you learn.
1.
Be present.
Being
"in the moment" is not just for yoga or Grateful Dead concerts. If you are going to take
in what someone is saying, you have to truly focus your mental awareness on the
person. Push distractions aside. Give a person the gift of your attention. Put
down the smartphone, turn off your computer screen, put down the book or
magazine, and look at him or her with a neutral or pleasant expression. Most
people are so accustomed to having half of someone else's focus at any given
moment that this gesture alone will make them feel important and it will allow
you to actually hear what they are saying.
2.
Turn down the inner voice.
Internal analysis of any conversation is
unavoidable and necessary, but often it's at the expense of objectivity. That
voice can actually take over in your brain to the point at which you are no
longer listening to the person talking and instead simply listening to the
diatribe in your head. There is plenty of time after a conversation to assess
the value of what you heard, but first you have to hear it. One technique for
quieting the inner voice is simple note taking. Writing down even key
words or short phrases will force you to absorb the information coming in. Then
you can process it on your own outside the presence of the speaker. As an added
benefit, you'll have a more accurate representation of what was actually said
for later discussion.
3.
Hold up a mirror.
This
is a technique many psychologists and counselors recommend to help alleviate
conflict.
When the opportunity arises, speak up and describe for the person what you have
just heard him or her say. It is OK to rephrase in your own words. Be sure to
end with a request for confirmation: "So what you're most concerned about
is that the new hires lack training. Is that accurate?" The speaker then
knows you are paying attention and fully engaged.
4.
Ask for clarification.
During a conversation, hunt for areas
of interest
where you might further inquire. Without derailing his or her train of thought,
ask the speaker to expand and clarify: "What do you mean by
'interesting?'" or "Why do you think that is so important?" The
speaker will appreciate the interaction, and you will gain better understanding
of the person's perspective as well as your own perception of the information.
5.
Establish follow-up.
At the end of any conversation, discuss and determine if
there are action steps required. This check-in will alert speakers to your
actual concern for what they said, and help them assess their own relevancy to
your needs. Express appreciation
for their sharing, and let them know what you found to be valuable from the
conversation. Making them feel heard increases the odds they'll truly listen to
you when you have something to say you believe is important.
BY Kevin Daum http://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/5-skills-of-really-amazing-listeners.html?cid=em01016week23b
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