PERSONAL SPECIAL....... “I DON’T KNOW”

“I DON’T KNOW”  Do you remember when you said those words last? The ‘I-know-it-all’ world we live in doesn’t leave much scope for honest answers. But experts say having a smart-alecky answer to everything is the most foolish thing to do     Driven by curiosity, children tend to pose a lot of questions. Whether the adults around them have the answers or not, you hardly ever hear them say: “I DON’T KNOW”. Most people consider it shameful to not having the right answer to everything. It keeps them from admitting to a simple truth: Not everything has a clear-cut answer. And it’s okay to say, “I don’t know”.     Sociologist Nandini Sardesai says this fear has its roots in classrooms. She says, “We are taught from an early age that intelligence is equivalent to knowing all the right answers. But it isn’t. Children are publicly shamed in classrooms, juniors are derided by their bosses at work for not having the right answers to prove they are intelligent. Moreover, parents pressurise their children to perform well in exams. Kids are not allowed to fail and learn from their own experiences. This has led to a deep-seated fear and shame associated with not being able to display knowledge.”     Says clinical psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany: “Over the years, kids assume that their parents are highly intelligent people, who have an answer to everything. They absorb the message that people with power are those who say ‘I know’ to everything. And when they grow up, they all want to appear intelligent in the same way.” STOP BEING A SMART ALECK We’ve all been through this. We are at a posh cocktail party and someone comes up to us and casually says, “You must know about the works of  Ang Lee… and we nod and say,  ‘Ya, ya, I have seen a few’ even if we haven’t, lest we are thought to be ‘not up to the mark’. American author Leah Hager Cohen writes in her book I Don't Know: In Praise of Admitting Ignorance, “Most of the times, we aren’t even aware of when we are being dishonest. The behaviour of smiling in fake recognition is somehow ingrained in us over the years. And it is sometimes very compelling in terms of making us feel that the socially appropriate response is to nod indicating we understand instead of flatly saying ‘no’.”     What do you do if you are in an important work meeting and asked to give feedback on a project you aren’t very clear about? Is that the time to say ‘I don’t know’? Sometimes, in the most complex situations, the wisest thing to say is, ‘I am a bit uncertain about this. I need to weigh the issue more carefully’. Saying “I don’t know” can actually increase one’s trust and belief in you. Communication skills coach Yadhav Mehra says, “It is very important to break out of this habit of feeling safe only when you know everything. To embrace doubt is to show that you are intelligent because your mind seeks answers. An open mind has wonderful rewards. It helps us build authentic relationships, gives us a better understanding of difficulties and challenges in various situations.” BE INTELLIGENT, SAY YOU DON’T KNOW Think about it carefully, do you actually trust people who have that ‘Ihave-an-answer-for-everything” attitude? Aren’t they mostly overbearing, stuffy and when in a tight spot, mostly all-words and no execution?     Sociologist Shiv Visvanathan explains why. “The exciting part of being a human being is dealing with the mysteries of the world. If we always attempt to gain control over our environment and lives, we will be very unhappy. A lot becomes possible when we embrace, even celebrate, the fact that no one can know everything. The three potential words ‘I don't know’ can liberate, empower, and increase the potential for true communication,” he says.     The next time when you face a difficult question, take your time, say you will get back with the right answer. Don’t be too quick to appear smart. It’s always better to be actually smart. WAYS TO SAY ‘I DON’T KNOW’ • I want to be sure before I give you the correct information. Let me call you back. • I don’t think I’m the best person to answer that, but I’ll find out who is. • That’s a good question. I’ll see what I can find out for you. • I don’t remember off the top of my head. May I check my notes and get back to you on that? • Based on the information I have, this is what I think. • Perhaps we should just Google it. • Ravi might be able to answer your question, given that he knows the details. • This is not my area of expertise, but I can find out for you. • I’ve been wondering that, too. Let me ask someone. • I’m not sure; let me transfer you to someone who can help you.  Shikha Shah TL131103