How to Give Advice to a Friend Without Being a
Know-It-All
We all have friends that need a
little advice (and you probably need some too), but one of the problems with
those types of conversations is that it's really easy to come off as
"holier than thou" when you're offering help. When you do that, nobody's
going to listen.
When you have a friend who's stuck
in a rut, it's normal to want to provide some type of insight to get them out
of it. But it's not an easy conversation to have with someone, especially when
you know all the extenuating circumstances of their situation. I talked with
relationship and family therapist Roger S. Gil to get some advice for dealing
with these situations.
First
Off: Make Sure They Want Your Advice
Obviously not everyone is looking
for your advice. Before you go offering up your point of view, make sure
they're interested in hearing it. As Roger Gil points out, oftentimes friends
aren't looking for you to solve a problem. They just want you to listen and
maybe ask some questions. Gil explains why:
People often think that therapists
spend most of their time giving advice. The truth is that we usually listen and
ask questions that get people to take a hard look at what rationale informs
their opinions, how they feel about various things, what they have tried in the
past, etc. In other words, we make the person go through the process of
developing their own solutions rather than listing a series of steps to take.
Most of the time a person that's seeking a solution will be asking questions
about topics that don't have clearly defined "best practices" or
steps that one should take.
So, ask if they'd like to hear your
input or insights on a problem, but also ask questions about why they feel a
certain way. If they say "no," let them finish their story and listen
politely. Gil also adds that even when you know the answer to something, you
might want to keep your mouth shut:
Research has shown that men
stereotypically try to solve problems as quickly as possible when their mate
confides in them; however this often leads to conflict because the confiding
party feels "unheard." Sometimes a person just needs to vent and
isn't necessarily seeking advice. Even if you know the answer, advice is often
better-received once a person has shared some feelings.
If nothing else, wait for them to
finish venting before offering advice (or asking if they want it). Sometimes
the best way to figure something out is to do it on your own.
Differentiate
Between Opinions, Expert Advice, and Being a Sounding Board
Speaking of listening, it's also a
good idea to figure out right away what your friends want from from you. Gil
describes this as differentiating between opinions, expert advice, and being a
"sounding board:"
Different situations require
different approaches so we need to know what we should contribute. Opinions are
good for subjective inquiries (e.g. Should I buy a MacBook or PC?). Expert
advice should be limited to areas that you KNOW very well and can offer
well-informed opinions
Sometimes a person just needs us to
listen and clarify things for them (e.g. So you're saying that you're
considering a Tablet because your laptop doesn't fit in your backpack).
Whichever approach you take, make sure you don't present one type as another
(i.e. don't present an opinion as expert advice).
Essentially, don't pretend like you
know something you don't, and definitely don't act like you've been in a
situation you haven't been in.
Minimize
"You should.." Statements
Now that you know whether or not
your friends or family actually want your advice, it's time to learn how to deal
it out without sounding like a know-it-all. This is a lot harder than you might
think. As Gil points out, one way to offer advice without sounding pretentious
is to avoid "You should" statements:
"You should..." statements
can come off as pretentious and judgmental at times. They can also make us
responsible for any negative outcomes the advice seeker experiences. Using
"I feel..." statements shares your idea while conveying the message
that it's just the way you feel and up to the other party to take it as advice
for a course of action. Example: Don't say, "You should dump his cheating
self." Do say, "When I hear you talking about his cheating, I feel
like staying with
him could lead to more headaches for
you."
Gil's advice seems obvious, but it's
incredibly easy to get on your high-horse and use "You should" if
you're not careful. By offering up your opinion clearly defined as your
opinion, you remove the insinuation that "you know best."
Accept
That You Might Have to be a Jerk
Sometimes you do need to offer up
some tough love. While you should still follow the practices mentioned above,
when a situation warrants it, don't be afraid to be a bit of a jerk. Gil
explains:
There are no "best
practices" when talking about difficult topics and sometimes one HAS to
come across as a bit of a jerk to get a point across to someone who is in
denial or going in circles with their conversation.
Gil points out that this list isn't
exhaustive, and every situation is a bit different. However, the key is to make
sure you stay in "listening mode" for as long as possible, and you
don't push your advice when it isn't wanted. If you approach it right, you
should be able to help your friends or family without coming off as a
know-it-all.
Thorin Klosowski 
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