MAMMA KNOWS BEST ..BUT...

Mamma knows best

We are brought up to believe this. But what happens when opinions clash? Read on for tips to cope

She was literally the first person in your life. And, for many of us, our mother till date has remained the number one person in our hearts—she has been our champion, our hero and, above all, a best friend. She is one person we can rely on at any time in our lives and the one we can open our hearts out to.

But differences in this relationship are also possible. From small disagreements to larger conflicts, this treasured relationship can be pushed to the breaking point. So, what happens when you don't get along with your mother?

Where there is love there are bound to be differences. Conflicts are normal in a close relationship, but greatness lies in getting over with those conflicts and breathing some new air into the relationship. Most of the conflicts in a mother–daughter relationship arise because we do not express our needs directly and, as women, we are not taught to do that. We are always taught that other people's needs come before our own. But is it possible to disagree with your mom and feel good about it? We provide you with a three-step system that works towards resolving most mother–daughter conflicts.


Acknowledge

Do not judge a person's behaviour unless you are aware of the circumstances. Do not jump into a conflict, ever ready to blame or defend. Take time to think about your mother's experiences and why she may disagree with you on certain issues. And do not forget that she is your mother and she has seen life from a closer perspective.

Listen to what your mom has to say. People always want to be heard. And before they can hear you, they want to feel heard. It's important to let your mother know that you hear her. "It can be verbally or nonverbally, through a nod of the head, through a smile to say 'I get it'—of course, be careful that this isn't sending a mixed message during conflict. Make sure you use phrases like, 'I hear what you're saying', 'it seems like', 'it looks like' and 'it sounds like'. Do not upset your mother with your harsh words. Acknowledge her presence and listen to whatever she has to say.


Empathise

Recognise that her stance is one you may not agree with but is important to her. Do not offend her, but make her and her opinion count. Maybe you will take your own decisions in the end but there is no harm in lending a ear.


Assert

If you want to be assertive about a decision to your mom, then there are certain ways through which you can. For example, make use of the word 'and' instead of 'but'. "If you use the word 'but' it disqualifies what your mother is saying. For example: "And, Mom, I have a different perspective on …" Finally, let her know what you want.

When it comes to talking to mom about heated issues, there are a few tips that come in handy:

• Timing is very important. A lot of times, we're so upset that we feel we have to deal with it then and there. And with most issues, you can take some time to process them.

• Visualise a positive outcome. What we often tend to do is imagine that she'll blow up, or we'll have an argument.

• Be willing to disagree. It's as simple as saying, "Mom, we may not agree—and that's okay."

• Take a break. Don't push so hard that you get into an escalated situation.

• Tone is important because we often think we have the right words but don't have the right tone.

• Set differences aside and focus on living in the moment with forgiveness.